Sweet Tooth

Food should look good too!

Two Umbrellas

I could hear the rain outside while I was walking through the building.

Rain

Whenever the weather is hot in Singapore you can bet that in the next 2 hours there will be rain. I think I want to take more shots in the rain since its just so soothing to look at.

Bakra Inc.

Yes it is that time of the year again. When goats run amok and cows are hounded by cash strapped buyers. It has been a turbulent year for the people with shadowing inflation hot on their heels.This year the farmers have decided to join the caravan of businesses lining up to shake hands with credit companies such as Visa and MasterCard. True to tradition they gave American Express (Amex) the cold shoulder. Farmer Shaukat hailing from inner Punjab clarified his decision, “We have noticed Amex card holders are a non-existent entity in the bakra and beyri mundis of Pakistan. It was a no-brainer really.”

Fielding questions from the press Shaukat further commented “We have decided to reach out to low income households this year. Our 2007 models will now include hybrid versions that feed off of alternate food sources such as lentils, boiled water and saw dust. This range of livestock will cost half as much but yield twice the sacrificial quantity.”

“Clearly these days the middle class is also feeling the strain of economic hardship” queried one reporter. “Have you catered to their needs?”

Shaukat beamed “Oh jee bilkul, we are quite keen on keeping our biggest customer base satisfied. We will be offering leasing and financing programs on all models. Now everybody can afford our beefed up products for a mere fraction of the price. We are quite optimistic about projected sales in the last quarter. We expect demand to increase by 200% at least.”

“200% is quite a catch. Are you logistically ready to deal with such an increase?”

The paa jee from Punjab laughed heartily. “Oh jee don’t you worry, our pockets are ready, baki you know jaga toe dil mein honi chahiyae, kyon jee?” he chuckled. “I mean we must keep a positive outlook for the future”

“But do you really think that Pakistan’s households, their lawns, back yards and patios are aptly equipped to deal with large quantities of farm animals?” persisted the reporter.

“This quarter we foresee the beginning of a new age of economic prosperity for the Livestock Industry in Pakistan. What more could you ask for?” Shaukat shrugged.

“What about the trails of fertilizer these products will leave in their wake? Won’t such a population explosion saturate our surroundings with piles of urea and methane excesses in the atmosphere?”

“You worry too much” he said winking at the reporter.

Clearly flustered the reporter moved on to the next question “You said in your statement that you intend to import camels from the Middle East and some parts of Africa. Do you think there is a market in Pakistan for them?”

“That’s a good question. We are a responsible corporation and would never go forward without catering to all our market segments especially our upscale customers. Since cows and goats will be a trivial meat product this Eid, we wanted to maintain the status quo of the more affluent society. To meet that end we are partnering with BEEMAR (the largest livestock producer in the Middle East) to bring to Pakistan numerous camels. “

Confused the reporter interrupted “Camels? What is so special about them that your subsidiaries in Southern Pakistan can’t deal with?”

“These camels are a cut above our local variety of animals. They are not allowed to graze rather they are fed their livestock by their own servers. They have been massaged twice a day by the softest hands money can buy and every night they are lulled to sleep by flute players from the Mediterranean. For their grooming needs they are given mud baths and regular pedicures.”

“How can you expect to sell such extravagant units in Pakistan?”

“Well you will be surprised to hear that we are overbooked on this particular unit. It seems this model is proving quite popular with the upper gentry. In fact we have placed a few orders for the Government too!”

“God help us” bemoaned the reporter.

“Oh jee God is helping. Don’t you see.” giggled Shaukat. “Now I’m afraid all this thinking is making me hungry. Everybody please join me in doing justice to some exquisite mutton karahi my chef from Qatar has prepared especially for us all.”

Everybody shuffled out of the press room their heads spinning and their tongues wagging about the next big thing to happen to the Livestock Industry in Pakistan.

The Fast & The Furious

As a motorist in Pakistan you must have a diverse range of car maneuvering tricks up your sleeve. Otherwise you are rickshaw dust. Every morning when you step into the driver’s seat you must chant to yourself “I must earn my passage” many times over. Say it as if your life depended on it. Courtesy and good will are hollow gestures. Don’t let them bog you down as you try to make inroads through the morning rush hour.

When you exit your driveway remind yourself that you are the pilot of your plane, you blaze over mortals like the scourge of the heavens. The inhabitants of the roads are nothing but turbulence to your wings. Cut through them as you must. Don’t make eye contact with these beings that could not possibly fathom the urgency of your flight.

They are too busy trying their hand at a honking adaptation of Beethoven’s Fifth. To their credit the only thing they do manage to reproduce is a high pitched note that is akin to the resounding death knell on judgment day. This strengthened by one noisy chord after another. Bring down your fist on your own musical instrument and let it resonate through the ears of the debris in your way. Let it clear the musical landscape for your own debut.

Guide your plane’s nose through every possible orifice you can find in this wall of locusts. Every day they descend upon these paths and devour every inch of road they can find. It is this plague that is the cause of your tardy timesheet at work and all this traffic congestion. Spray them with the pesticide of your delinquent driving. If you are going to get through them you cannot be bashful about rubbing shoulders with such a swarm. Let your side mirrors brush with theirs and reminisce of your dodgy flirting at high school. A brush here, a few stolen glances there. You triumphantly pass one victim after another and wink at them to seal the encounter.

It is unbecoming of decency and down right rude for God’s lamb but that kind never survives out here. If you want to get ahead you must slide one foot in someone’s way and politely look away as if you are unaware of where your feet are taking you. Don’t be shy; you’ve done it before at the bank, post office and every other place you have found this ridiculous concept of queues. Take off your sheep skin and reveal your furry hide. Cutting through those long lines and annexing positions as if you were just returning to your spot. This is our creed, we believe in only one ‘right-of-way’--- our own. You should banish the rest to oblivion.

Slide through these slow moving cows. Bark at them like a cowboy rounding up his dim witted livestock. Disregard any glares and faint mutterings that you thought you heard from these farm animals. You must reach the head of this pack. Honk your horn and steer your vehicle through like the restless being you are.

Drive with an intent to pillage and plow through any traffic rule conceived or endowed upon you when you got your driver’s permit. Drive not to kill but to shock and frighten. Accelerate through vehicles like lightening through slow moving clouds. Nudge your brake pedal only when there is no other place to steer towards.

When you reach the traffic intersections take a breather and stop a while to gaze upon the mesmerizing hand gestures of the traffic wardens. The waves of traffic come to a halt and hold their position as if anticipating the passage of the Israelites through the Red Sea. These miracle wielding beings are the newest addition to the ever growing useless army of the long arm of the law. They are in their prime and not quite as bulky as the earlier models. There have been a few sightings of chubby versions managing traffic on the bigger roads. Give them some time they’ll fatten up nicely in a year or so.

You can also unearth these fine creatures at road blocks as well. They are quite handy when it comes to rearranging a person’s travel plan for them and convincing them to bugger off. They let you glare and drive away feeling like a hopeless laboratory rat in a sadistic science experiment. Give it up, they say, you’ll never find the cheese. Not when we keep changing the maze.

With some sweet talk and a trifle 300 rupee they can offer you an elevated moment or two as your vehicle is mechanically teleported six feet into mid air. But beware the turbulent journey back to the road, some paying customers have complained of landing right side up or scratched and dented (or both).

The decommissioned and semi-retired blue versions of these units have since been kept in a storage ware houses near town. They are dumped in dark containers in heaps and piles. The VIPs scoop them out of this huge box and throw them into police trucks whenever they travel to and from the airport or whenever they feel like socializing and making condolence trips to some obscure neighborhood.

It is a bit melancholic to see such money guzzling figures of authority being reduced to mere decorative items punctuating the road side every 500 meters. They were of much better entertainment value when they use to stop you by the road side and casually detain you to try and illicit money to bury the matter there and then. Such incidents use to make for heart warming dinner conversations. Ah yes, the days of pimping the traffic book seem to be all but forgotten at times.

Now these blue whales only migrate to traffic lanes twice a week. They are booted onto the road like pieces of air cargo dumped on the tarmac. They stand there like misplaced manikins, erupting to life whenever an approaching police siren wails. It seems their souls can only be resurrected when an entourage of VIPs blazes by.

Yet as the police trumpets proclaim the approach, time stands still and the world stops. Even the birds seize to chirp and fly about. Hold your breath and anticipate the passage of Zeus and his cohort of demi-gods. It is a sanctimonious and a vital part of your morning commute. Their willingness to take to the roads and ride amongst us is a lesson in humility. We as hospitable beings must stand waiting in honor for this blessed moment.

Office slaves aside, even the ailing souls in ambulances must cling to life in wait of these majesties to travel through. It is widely believed that the angels of death would never take a life in such a state. They would rather fall from grace than intrude on this epiphany. Fire brigades resign to the fate of their doomed victims, for who can stop the sun from shining, the clouds from moving and a fire from burning? Those chaps had it coming anyway. Some commuters turn back and call in sick at work. Others call their late co-workers to give them the good news.

It is such leadership that unites us in our chaos and allows us to stop and smell the car exhaust to better appreciate the quality of life we enjoy today.

Recognition :)

"Runway Woes" was published in the Sunday Edition of Dawn, in the Magazine section.
http://www.dawn.com/weekly/dmag/archive/070930/dmag25.htm

It is always a welcome sight to get a wider readership. I would like to thank everybody who encouraged me to keep writing. Your feedback is invaluable :)

Chins up!

Yes it wasn’t the best of outcomes being a Pakistani cricket fan. But you can’t deny the zest with which the team has been playing lately. Shoaib Malik and his men have certainly earned their respect from our nation.

Their commitment to the game of cricket cannot be questioned one bit. There are numerous positives to take home from this tournament, and there is still so much cricket going around that I doubt the result on Sunday will cast a shadow over future prospects for the team.

Geoff Lawson has certainly weighed in with his best foot forward. The result speaks volumes of how he has managed to effectively rally Pakistan’s talent and discipline it to focus on what is most important. Perhaps his skills as an optometrist have come into play here. It has been heart warming to actually see a former fast bowler take charge of this side. Traditionally Pakistan’s bowling attack has been the vanguard of our cricket team, until recently it had become somewhat ordinary. With the coaching reins now in Mr. Lawson’s hands we can hopefully see Pakistan’s former fast bowling attack glory restored.

Umar Gul bowled superbly in the final. His total tally of 10 wickets in the tournament is a welcome sign of things to come. The time in the gym has done him a world of good. The best part is however that the testosterone hasn’t overwhelmed him in anyway and in every single spell he managed to impress with wickets or enough containment. You have to admit that a lean fast bowler always gives the batsmen something to think about. Every time Gul ran in to bowl you only expected something good.

Pakistan’s performance in every single department of the game has been quite impressive. The 3 months preparation has paid off quite handsomely. I can’t recall us dropping a catch in any of the games, save that gimme from Jayasuria that our newest bowler Sohail Tanvir managed to let go of. But in that same breath let me also state for the record that 2 minutes later he dismissed the prolific batsmen with a quick delivery that surprised everybody. A perfect comeback. Sohail has been a great find and will be a welcome addition to Pakistan’s wicket taking bowling options.

Misbah-ul-Haq, should be the biggest hero for us at this point in time. Yes he was there at the end of both matches against India, which didn’t quite end the way we wanted them to, but people give him some slack! He has done superbly on his debut and effectively cemented his place in Pakistan’s middle order. At age 33 he certainly packs a great punch when it matters towards the end of an innings. He has demonstrated his maturity with the bat on every opportunity. It must not go unnoticed that when other batsmen were struggling it was Misbah that actually held one end of the wicket up and kept the score moving along. He has a great flair for hitting as well. It is seldom that Pakistan’s domestic cricket will produce such a made to order batsmen. We just hope that the selectors give him ample chance to further establish himself in other forms of the game.

We must salute Shoaib Malik’s captaincy. In every match when it mattered he has made the necessary changes and employed the most practical tactics to keep the match inclined in Pakistan’s favor. He has led from the front throughout and been the most prolific run scorer with a hefty 187 runs in 6 matches, barely nudging Misbah who can stand confidently with his 175 run tally. When it mattered Malik steadied his team with the bat and seen them through to the end.

Malik’s mature approach to his new role as Pakistan’s captain has brought a fresh wave of change in almost every player. He seems to be getting along with everybody quite well, and is doing the best he can with his options. Every player seems to be quite comfortable under his command. It seems Malik has a good approach in dealing with his players. Thankfully we find great promise in his abilities to lead Pakistan, a good captain has been a long time coming.

Now in less than a week we play host to South Africa. It will be interesting to see how our T20 heroes adapt to the traditional form of the game. It will also be a challenge as a spectator to accommodate the 5-day version of this game, or even the 50 over format which lasts an easy 6 hours. But as Ian Chappell stated at the start of the tournament that a good cricketer plays good cricket in all its forms. The next set of games will truly test the player’s resolve to be consistent as an improved and promising side. Hopefully there will be plenty of positives to write home about.